As the barbs, insults, name-calling and bitter incivility continue to spiral out of control today, I continue to predict that ultimately the conflict will not be between Left and Right, not between Liberals and Conservatives, not between Democrats and Republicans, not even between Secular Progressives and Traditionalists, but between Mars and Venus, i.e. men and women.
With apologies to Bruce Feirstein, whose 1982 best selling book, “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” sold several million copies, I submit an update…
I can’t pinpoint when it all started, but I think it was about the time that men started wearing cologne. Not Old Spice after shave, mind you, but Hai Karate, Brut, English Leather and other scents to cover up how we smell. Gone was spray Right Guard; in came a million varieties of anti-perspirant/odor eliminating sprays, gels, powders, roll-ons…all guaranteed to turn the armpits of your white tee-shirts into a brownish/aluminum-ish mess. I guess that was back in the late 50’s or early 60’s.
Today, there are men who actually utter the words “duvet”. No self-respecting man should EVER use that word!
And no Real Man eats avocado toast…
Or kale…no kale…
Or orders vegetables on his pizza, except bell peppers, onions or garlic.
Or drinks blush/rosé wine…
And Real Men don’t get caught dead buying scented soap in a dispenser! Give me a bar of LAVA or lye soap I can roll around in my hands!
Navy blue sweaters are ok. So help me…if I hear a man say he has bought or says he’s wearing a periwinkle sweater, I’ll barf.
Real men actually set the thermostats in their homes using the interval timers. Women, whose body thermostats are fundamentally deficient, must have up or down control…
Real Men grill, they do not sautée.
Real men eat steak, burgers, fries, and drink beer. Fine wine, red or white, bourbon or scotch whether single malt or blends are just fine. Real Men do NOT drink apple-tinis!
Real men do not drive hybrids or all-electric cars.
Real men do not own dogs that hop when they bark (those aren’t dogs, they’re hors d-oeuvres). Real men own Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds, Labradors, Bernese Mountain Dogs, German Shorthairs… and for Pete’s sake, Real Men refuse to acquire or own designer dogs (which are basically mutts) like Maltie Poos, and Lhasa Poos, Sheltie Poos…as far as I’m concerned, they’re all poo!
And real men support the 2nd Amendment whether or not they own guns themselves.
There’s only one convention of modern man that I’ll allow…it’s ok to put the toilet seat back down in a public, (say restaurant) restroom if it’s also used by women. But if it’s a guys only toilet (to the extent they still exist..groan…), leave the damn seat up ok?
All that said, there’s nothing wrong with being a GENTLEMAN. Be prepared to be scowled at if you hold a door open for a femi-nazi, but do it anyway. And yes, you should give up your seat to an elderly man or woman on the bus. You know, all the rules we were taught growing up. Real Men still follow them.
One of the best quotes I’ve ever read on manhood comes from Garrett J. White:
“A man who is more concerned with being a good man than being good at being a man makes a very well behaved slave!”
Fist bump Garrett…
